Politic On, Politic-ers...

The Democratic nomination is getting a bit nit-picky these days. There hasn't technically been a contest between Hill and Barry for a long time, so we pundits, we pontificaters, we pioneers of print, we proprietors of public periphery have been desperately searching for anything, and I mean anything, to fill the airwaves/blog pages with. It isn't easy, that's why we make the big bucks. We came up with the Jeremiah Wright thing when no one would have noticed were an actual primary coming up. But Obama had to cock-block us by diffusing an issue while making history and probably effectively winning the nomination all at the same time.

We were given some nice news earlier today. It turns out the winner of Texas was not who we originally thought it was. Caucus delegates have been appointed, and Obama has ended-up with five more than Clinton. So we were able to talk a little today about how much worse it is getting for her, and what she'll do now that she's losing shit she thought she'd already won (I'm guessing she'll go to Mr. Webster and ask him to redefine the term winning, being that she's spun her losing in just about every way possible).

But does that stop Hillary from fighting to fulfill what I'm sure she thinks is her God-given right (why else would she stick by her husband)? It's kind of sad to see someone's spirit broken. Regardless of whether she deserves the nomination, she certainly has been through a lot. My sympathy is one of many reasons why I want her to stick in the race. Besides the fact is this all makes for "good" journalism, Bill Clinton was right when he said that Obama will need to toughen up if he is to take on the Republicans. Consider some of the things said during their shorter, much less interesting nomination process:

• Mike Huckabee (a baptist minister) said he would really like to put Hillary on a spaceship to blast her off the planet. It was received with the usual reception Huckabee has grown used to receiving for his jolly, "good-natured" humor.
  
• When a woman (a woman!) asked McCain how he was planning on beating "that bitch" in November, McCain was smart enough not to verbally agree, but he certainly wasn't offended enough to indicate any inappropriate behavior on her part, and took his sweet time to disavow her words after his talk. He probably felt that indicating Hillary wasn't a bitch would lose him his constituency.
  
• When Mitt Romney dropped out of the race, he stated his opinion that if the Democratic party took the White House, the terrorists would surely burn this planet to the ground.

And, by the way. If you don't want to be accused of hating your country Mr. Obama, I would start wearing an American Flag lapel pin, and putting our hand on your heart when you pledge your allegiance to the flag. That's just a no-brainer. As of September 12th, 2001,no man or woman in any county of any state on any level of government will ever win an election without obeying these two basic laws. What the hell kind of point were you trying to prove, anyways?

This is all pretty tough rhetoric, and right now, all the Clintons are doing is calling him dishonest. What will he do when a McCain surrogate asks us if we really want an Islamic terrorist hopped up on cocaine running around the White House, sleeping with all the white women, turning the Situation Room into a basketball court, and using the presidential seal carpet in the Oval Office as a Salat prayer mat he shares with Wright while they discuss ways to keep the white man down. They probably won't say it like that, but they'll certainly nod towards it in a "I was just caught up in the heat of the moment; my comments don't reflect the views of the candidate; I hereby resign my post from this most auspicious campaign in shame and apologize to the candidate for causing him any trouble with this most egregious miscarriage..." Or something like that. I know Carville is getting tired of it, but there are many resignations to come, none of which mean anything.

But I have digressed, as you will learn I often like to do. To get back to my last point, I think Hillary should stay as long as she wants. It will mean a few more weeks of inaction, but we reporters will always find things to bitch about (I plan to launch a full-throated argument this week, calling for her to leave the race). As for the concern over splitting the party, I have no fear that John McCain will do something to bring us all running back together in a dramatic, warm, end of a romantic comedy-type embrace by saying something racist/sexist/Europhobic/homophobic/antisemitic/or just fucking mean. You can see it in his eyes, and I wouldn't want to be the butt of any of his jokes. He'd probably try to give me a wedgie (or make me listen to Joe Lieberman give a lecture on the nature of democracy as pertaining to Noam Chomsky) if I ever ran into him in the middle of the street. So I'll just hope that he doesn't happen to read this column (he won't) and cross the street if I see him walking towards me.

And if we can't think of anything to talk about this week, we have the Final Four coming up this weekend. There will be three basketball games, so don't tell me we can't fill 100 hours of airtime bullshitting about who will win, who will lose, and why anyone with half a brain knows that North Carolina will win.

I'm sad to say that I'm currently in third place in my bracket at work and I stand no chance of winning. But the Great Magnet Loses Nothing! Our Bracketmaster (Copyright!) is pretty strict and I think he'll be interested to know about two little computer hacks who just happen to be doing well in our bracket, whilst possessing an unnatural knowledge of how the Internet works, and more importantly, how to manipulate it. If that doesn't work, I'll plant some weed in their offices and call the cops.
Until we met again...

Someone Died in England Too...

Last week marked 4,000 dead in Iraq, and we celebrated with the usual noise makers (CNN, MSBNC, etc...), the usual firecrackers (a recent attack killing over fifty people in one evening), and gifts (Bush's promise that we will not draw down troops anytime in the foreseeable future). It's how all parties should be celebrated, and despite the Americans' reputation for not knowing how to party, we did it in fine fashion.

There's nothing to say about this without gettin' all political. It's a political war, started for political reasons, and currently being used by all sides of the ideological spectrum for political gain. This isn't to say no one feels for the troops any less than I do. I'm sure they all feel horrible, but there's nothing anyone can say that will truly make things better. So I'll just say that 4,000 deaths in any context is a tragedy, and we are vastly under-reacting to this horrid news. Why would anyone with the freedom to do something allow this to happen?

So, I would like to move on to a recent death in a different part of the world that holds no
political consequence, but is sad nonetheless. If you haven't heard of Neil Aspinall, but are a fan of the Beatles and are alive today, you have a lot to thank him for. It was Aspinall who brought us the Beatles Anthology series after over twenty years in the making. As a person who was introduced to the Beatles through this documentary, I am eternally grateful. For those of us who grew up watching "Yellow Submarine," we have Aspinall to thank for remastering both the movie, and the soundtrack, making the colorful visualization of an acid trip seem that much more lucid and sound that much better. For those die hard fans still angry at Phil Specter for fucking up "Let it Be," thank Aspinall for overseeing the project that released the album in the spirit in which it was meant to be, without the orchestrations, cute little interludes, and unnecessary backing vocals.

These are only the tangible contributions Aspinall made to the band during his tenure as Beatles road manager, and later as president of Apple Corps. To anyone who has an appreciation for the guy behind the guy, Aspinall is your man. If you are a man who admires Cheney's ability to pull Bush's strings whenever he wants something, you've found another comrade. It was Aspinall who took care of the Beatles whenever they needed anything, freeing them up to do what they did best. If it meant hiding drugs from the Philippine government, or finding them girls after each show, Aspinall was there for their every desire. Many people credit George Martin, the Beatles producer as being the fifth band member in the studio. If this is true, then surely Aspinall must have been their fifth member on tour. Even George Harrison said so.

Aspinall shared one of his first cigarettes with Harrison while they were in school in Liverpool. After Harrison joined the Beatles and they started to grow in popularity, Aspinall quit his apprenticeship to be their driver, sometimes driving them to three gigs in a day. As their popularity grew and they needed more than one person to oversee their transportation, Aspinall found Mal Evans to do some of the heavier lifting. As the band became the biggest group in the world, they would come to rely on these two men more than anyone else. And Aspinall never let them down.

But it wasn't his loyalty that made him such a great contributor. He shared a mutual respect for the music the band was making with the other four Beatles. As the band started to crumble, and friendships between the band members deteriorated, Aspinall stayed around to ensure the Beatles' fortunes and legacy weren't raped while they weren't looking. He became president of Apple Corps. on the condition that his position was temporary, ending as soon as they found a suitable replacement. That didn't happen.

There's a reason that the Beatles catalog wasn't used on American Idol until after Aspinall retired. There's also a reason you don't see Beatles songs whored out to every advertiser in the world. If you wonder why no one rolls their eyes when they hear the Beatles come on the radio, and yet Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and the Eagles are played ad-nauseum on classic rock stations (don't believe me? Go to your local classic rock station and you will either be listening to one of these groups, or you will hear one within ten minutes. I guarantee it.), it's the result of a bigger push by those who truly loved the band and the music and were willing to devote their professional lives to preserving that memory. There were many and they were led by Aspinall (don't get me wrong, I'm sure it payed well too). The Beatles aren't played on the radio as much because it costs more to air their songs. You don't see their music on iTunes because of the price Apple computers has to pay to do so. You get what you pay for, and if you want the Beatles, you're going to have to pay.

Is this greedy? It might be. Paul McCartney is no philanthropist, and I doubt that Ringo, Yoko and Mrs. Harrison would be willing to give all their money to charity if asked. But there is something to be said for the preservation of that which is holy. I'd like to think that Beatle money is what you pay to get something truly special. Something truly unique a term that tends to be cheapened by QVC whener they try to sell porcelain thimbles. Something that is truly once in a lifetime. And the high prices have kept the Beatles classy, and accessible at just the right amount. It's not like their CDs cost more than any other albums . Their music is for everyone, remainding true to their spirit and nothing will change that. The story is just different for those who wish to profit off them.

Some of you may disagree with my theory. After all, I just thought of it. But I would ask you to reserve your cynicism, and ask yourself whether the Beatles have ever done anything on the cheap, or with little thought (saving Magical Mystery Tour)? This is the band who refused to issue Sgt. Pepper originally because the cardboard covers of the LPs were thin and bent easily. This is the band who spent days rehearsing the harmonies to Octopus's Garden just to make sure it was done right. Octopus's Garden for Chrissake!

If ever there was a man with enough integrity to preserve the group's image, it was Neil Aspinall. So please raise a drink to him tonight, and listen to your favorite Beatles album.
I like to think of Aspinall sitting in his office at Apple, the band falling apart around him, and he making the decision to do whatever it takes to preserve their good name. That's who I want to be when I decide to grow up. I want to be the guy who the guy can count on. I admire the man who sees greatness in others and wants nothing more than to nurture that greatness. We're talking about dealing with four very disagreeable people who don't want to talk to each other for over thirty years. How impressive is that?


Disclaimer: Facts used in this obituary are not necessarily facts.

And I'm the Asshole?

Anyone who watched Obama's much touted speech on race last week could not help but have an opinion on the speech one way or another. Some saw his attempt as a pathetic excuse for backing a racist preacher, while others saw it as brave and nuanced, perhaps the first time race has been addressed by a politician in such a way. Some saw it politically, some saw it socially. I, however, saw it as an insult.

This was nothing more than a pathetic attempt by the candidate to pander to the liberal bleeding hearts by talking about how terrible racist people are, and how great it is to come from a diverse family. He's just rubbing it in. I watched the speech when it was originally aired. There was a rerun of "Full House" playing at the same time, so I had to flip back and forth, but I think I got the gist. What I heard was a man who said it's okay to hate white people. Well, isn't that a bit of a double standard? How would you like it if I went to a black neighborhood, and told everyone there that I hate black people? I can tell you from experience that you wouldn't like it one bit. I have the scars to prove it.

Obama's efforts may have fooled the proverbial choir he was singing to, but it will not satisfy those who demand a little more from their candidate than some empty rhetoric about how life isn't fair for some people, and too fair to others. Does he think this is Kenya? He should know that we all have the same chance to succeed here. How can he not see that? It's what America is all about.

And so, on behalf of the few of us who are not fooled by Obamas hocus pocus, I say this to you Mr. Obama. If you really mean what you say, then why do you say it with a teleprompter? Isn't it enough to just speak off the top of your head, and not lend thought to your actions? It worked for Mr. Bush.

Also, I think you owe an apology to all Indians out there. That's right. You say slavery was our original sin, but you didn't even mention the natives who we slaughtered well before we ever dragged a slave to this country. I think it's disgusting that you could ignore the millions we had to slaughter just to bring your people over here. Where's the appreciation for that?

And what about your infuriating comments regarding conservative talk show hosts? Are you suggesting that they have some other motive to not tell the truth; to ignore true racial tensions and blowing up insignificant ones? I believe it was you, Mr. Obama who used the OJ argument here. Our hands are clean of that debacle. But yours have bathed in the blood of a thousand pundits whose young promising careers lived and died with this unprecedented incident in American history. Are you going to tell them the OJ trial was insignificant? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I'm not done picking apart your circus act of a speech, but I think it's time we both move on. Lending my voice to the ongoing stream of commentary doing little more than fueling the popularity of this disgusting abuse of what is a serious issue. Besides, we got this recession on.

If you've recently purchased a house, owned a car or tried to invest money in anything, you may have noticed that it's not too easy these days. Mortgage rates are up, gas prices are way up, and every day the stock market dives faster than Mel Gibson's ranking on Vogues list of sexiest men alive (apparently antisemitism isn't so sexy, is it Mel?). But is this really the terrible recession we've all been fearing? I doubt it. In my lifetime, recessions have only come after really great boom times. Think 1999 after we had so many years of strong growth. What about now? We've barely had stable times, so it can't be possible that we have a recession. After all, the nail that sticks furthest up is the one that gets hammered down. This one is barely above wood level. So don't worry, folks. You'll receive almost $600 in the mail in the next few months, fixing everything. Besides, if the government is in such bad shape, how dumb would they have to be to just give money away? If you need to be completely reassured, just remember that...oh...I have to go "Bull Durham" is on AMC, I'll tell you next time. Good night.

Time To Get Retarded, March Madness Style!

We're back to that time of year, the great tournament where people in corporate offices from coast to coast put more pressure on average college students than any normal human being could be expected to handle by betting on their god-given talents in increments as much as $10. Go to ESPN or ESPN2, and there's an 80% chance you'll be watching a college basketball game, or watching a former basketball player talk about who's going to win an upcoming college basketball game. I do realize Barack Obama gave his much anticipated speech on race this morning, but it was pretty obvious to anyone just how phony his bullshit about transcending race and moving on to a higher, more relevant purpose was. I mean, if race should be as insignificant as he says, why is he even talking about it? It's not like anyone else is making a big deal about it, are they? It's a bunch of crap and I fully intend to expose it as that. But that can wait until tomorrow. We have more pressing issues at hand, The Magnet needs to tell you who to bet on.

So I was filling out my bracket earlier when I noticed these little numbers by each of the teams. Perplexed by this unconventional labeling system, I asked my buddy what they mean. It turns out that they make it easy for you by ranking the teams in each quarter of the bracket! You already know who's going to win! How no one else has caught on to this is beyond me. But there you go, just bet on the lower seed. That works until we get to the Final Four.

Now you have to choose, but just use simple logic. You have North Carolina playing Kansas. I think history has proven that North is victorious in everything. Has a nation in the southern hemisphere ever won a war against a northern nation? Never! (Don't stop and think about it. Thinking clouds decisive judgment.)

On the other side, you have UCLA and Memphis. Have you ever been to Los Angeles? It's a sunny paradise full of beautiful skinny, tanned women and beaches. How can you possibly get anything done there? Plus, you know Elvis is up there with God, singing his favorite songs, eating those fried Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches with him. God is not going to let Memphis lose.

So in the finals, we have the Northern Hemisphere v. God. Do we even go here? Memphis in a walk.

So there you have it. I would like to mention quickly two teams who shocked the sporting world and warmed the hearts of America by sneaking into the tournament, and will certainly be blown out in their first games against far superior teams. Kudos and Huzzahs to you, oh Portland State University located in that liberal bastion of booze and strippers. You managed to sober up and drag yourselves out of the strip clubs just long enough to make it to the big time. Enjoy getting your asses kicked. On the other side, Jeers to you, American University. Ten years ago, you rejected a young man on the cusp of breaking through his 2.76 GPA and going on to what would have been great things had he gone to a decent private school. I blame you for the fact that no one is reading this blog, and I hope Tennessee crushes your spirits and puts you in your place; the academic world where nothing matters but the size of your pocket protector. This is a game of men, you don't belong!

But I digress. When I become rich and buy American University just to destroy it, I promise I will be gentle. So there it is my friends. You have all you need to know, and I am sleepy. So I'll see you next time when we will have less important things to discuss, like the future of our nation, economic and socially. Good evening.

Let's Have a Catch Up

Hello and welcome back. I haven't been around, I know it, so let's not start a scene by your asking me where I've been. It's not like I'm going to be honest anyways. Better you not ask.

But seriously, folks. Where have I been? Well, it's a long story and I really don't want to tell it. I'm not going to tell you about the lottery I won, and the island I bought. I'm certainly not going to tell you about the hooker I bought for a lifetime and brought with me to the island, only to be robbed blind by her pimp and left for dead on my island. I'm not going to tell you how I lost all my money betting on the Patriots and am now just as broke as I was. I'm not going to go into the gritty details of how I fell into a four week drunken stupor one might call a "lost weekend" where I was arrested for eliciting sex from a fire hydrant (yes, that's illegal too). And I'm not going to talk about my nickname in prison, or how I really thrived there. None of this is interesting to anyone. And besides, wouldn't you rather hear more about Eliot Spitzer?

But it's good to be back. I have a new home here at "Helpful Tips for Living a Happy Life" where I have been met with love and warm moist towelettes. Everyone's been great, and I wish I could give them some credit for all the work they've put forth. I wish I could say the same for you, Google. That's right, I'm talking to you, bitch. I go away for two years and you just yank my website from under my poor shoes? Who the fuck do you think you are? What kind of multi-billion dollar corporation does that? I expected some loyalty, for chrissake! You're a bunch of fuckin' Nazis. That's right. I said it. We were all thinking it, but I'm the only one with the balls! What are you gonna do, huh? Nothing? That's what I thought! After all, this ain't China, is it!?!

But I'm not a bitter man (plus, I would probably die if I lost Google tomorrow, so what can I do?) and we can all be adults and move on. There's a lot to do, and a lot to be fixed. I see our good friend Mr. Bush is finally getting the credit he deserves in Iraq. See, we were all so smug, but it only took five years and no more than one million lives (depending on who you talk to) to prove him right. See, we're better off without Saddam anyways. Jesus, how long will it take for us to learn that he's right. That's why he's the decider.

But there's other news that's a lot more sexy than war, POLITICS! It's that time of year again. I know the Democratic nomination has been going on for several months, and the politicing has been going on for over a year, but nothing has really happened worth mentioning. Obama has a steady lead, but that's only if you talk to him...or anyone else living on the planet who isn't Hillary Clinton. But what matters is what they make us think, and the Clinton campaign is certainly helping us make up our minds. To the causal viewer, Obama is in the lead. But do you really want to be convinced by statistics? It seems kind of simple, doesn't it? Thank God Mark Penn and the rest of the Clinton staff have been putting it in an "unconventional" light for us. After all, momentum is more important; it has to be worth at least fifty delegates, right?

Anyways, I'm shaking off the rust, but I'm back. And I can see that it isn't a moment too soon. What the fuck is Steven A. Smith doing as a political pundit? We have a lot of work to do. So take my hand, and journey with me into the unknown my dear, dear friend while we do our best to live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.
Goodnight.