Let's Have a Catch Up

Hello and welcome back. I haven't been around, I know it, so let's not start a scene by your asking me where I've been. It's not like I'm going to be honest anyways. Better you not ask.

But seriously, folks. Where have I been? Well, it's a long story and I really don't want to tell it. I'm not going to tell you about the lottery I won, and the island I bought. I'm certainly not going to tell you about the hooker I bought for a lifetime and brought with me to the island, only to be robbed blind by her pimp and left for dead on my island. I'm not going to tell you how I lost all my money betting on the Patriots and am now just as broke as I was. I'm not going to go into the gritty details of how I fell into a four week drunken stupor one might call a "lost weekend" where I was arrested for eliciting sex from a fire hydrant (yes, that's illegal too). And I'm not going to talk about my nickname in prison, or how I really thrived there. None of this is interesting to anyone. And besides, wouldn't you rather hear more about Eliot Spitzer?

But it's good to be back. I have a new home here at "Helpful Tips for Living a Happy Life" where I have been met with love and warm moist towelettes. Everyone's been great, and I wish I could give them some credit for all the work they've put forth. I wish I could say the same for you, Google. That's right, I'm talking to you, bitch. I go away for two years and you just yank my website from under my poor shoes? Who the fuck do you think you are? What kind of multi-billion dollar corporation does that? I expected some loyalty, for chrissake! You're a bunch of fuckin' Nazis. That's right. I said it. We were all thinking it, but I'm the only one with the balls! What are you gonna do, huh? Nothing? That's what I thought! After all, this ain't China, is it!?!

But I'm not a bitter man (plus, I would probably die if I lost Google tomorrow, so what can I do?) and we can all be adults and move on. There's a lot to do, and a lot to be fixed. I see our good friend Mr. Bush is finally getting the credit he deserves in Iraq. See, we were all so smug, but it only took five years and no more than one million lives (depending on who you talk to) to prove him right. See, we're better off without Saddam anyways. Jesus, how long will it take for us to learn that he's right. That's why he's the decider.

But there's other news that's a lot more sexy than war, POLITICS! It's that time of year again. I know the Democratic nomination has been going on for several months, and the politicing has been going on for over a year, but nothing has really happened worth mentioning. Obama has a steady lead, but that's only if you talk to him...or anyone else living on the planet who isn't Hillary Clinton. But what matters is what they make us think, and the Clinton campaign is certainly helping us make up our minds. To the causal viewer, Obama is in the lead. But do you really want to be convinced by statistics? It seems kind of simple, doesn't it? Thank God Mark Penn and the rest of the Clinton staff have been putting it in an "unconventional" light for us. After all, momentum is more important; it has to be worth at least fifty delegates, right?

Anyways, I'm shaking off the rust, but I'm back. And I can see that it isn't a moment too soon. What the fuck is Steven A. Smith doing as a political pundit? We have a lot of work to do. So take my hand, and journey with me into the unknown my dear, dear friend while we do our best to live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.
Goodnight.