A Sloppy Critique of a Sloppy Campaign...Sloppily...

"'You're Better Than Them, You've Been Born With White Skin.'"

You know it's getting really slow when The Note devotes the majority of the space on its daily "Sneak Peek" section to actual policy. The Note may be one of the best political reads around (not too far behind me), but as an avid reader for over four years I can't recall them discussing any kind of specific policy in all its nuance and splendor since...well...ever. They usually laugh at people who care about that shit, and why shouldn't they? It's not like what anyone says now is going to mean shit next January. Those who actually fall for that (people who vote) are little more than a means of keeping score. We don't actually associate with them, that would be improper.

But surely we must care what they think, because they have all the power (unless they abuse that power by not voting how we want, forcing us to take that power from them). So it is because of this that I am a little disappointed in The Note, and am not sure if I can read it anymore. It's becoming...common.

But back where things make sense, there hasn't been a lot going on since we last spake. I tried to "live blog" the last debate, but my assistant didn't tell me I had to hit "submit" each time I wrote something, so no one read it until the end when I had to leave because Youtube star presidential candidate Mike Gravel called me and wanted to know why he couldn't read my live blogging. He's a little older, and a lot more decrepit and creepy, so it took me a while to calm myself and explain to him that my assistant his an incompetent ninny who gives worse advice than the guy who told Hillary that attacking Obama would be bad for her image. Once he told me he wanted my social security number so he could read my soul, I decided it was time to end the phone call, but the debate was over and I was sleepy.

The last week was pretty boring, and I was out earning a living (I know, but I do this for free) so I didn't get to talk to you. So, we have plenty to discuss. Like I said, we can talk about McCain's health plan, and its contrast to Barack/Hillary's plan. But you're not a bunch of retarded monkeys, you know none of that really matters. What really matters is who gets to make it not matter, so let's talk process.

The debate was probably one of the most interesting to date. The first forty-five minutes contained nothing but pure, unadulterated bitch-slapping of Obama. They grilled him on Wright, they grilled him on the fact that he thinks he's better than us (he isn't?), they even had the balls to whip out the old no American pin wearing issue, that is so important to those retarded douche bags in what John Mellencamp calls the heart land (certainly not the brain-land). I've never been there, but it sounds just like a big slice of pie, hearty, fulfilling and full of empty calories.

Obama was not happy about this line of questioning. He look frustrated, and insulted that he had to stoop to ABC's salt-of-the-earth, Working-Class hero mediators who wanted answers to the questions that really matter. And Obama's cop-out "these are just distractions" wasn't playing with anyone, especially Hillary who was obviously fed up with Obama's question-dodging over the past year, and wasn't going to take anything but straight answers.

Were Obama's answers sufficient? Only if brutal honesty about the nature of a debate obviously designed to create contention between the front-runner of the race and everyone watching counts as sufficient. I, for one, was not satisfied. I was actually quite disappointed in his performance. Why didn't he apologize for not wearing the pin, and plead with the voters to forgive his egregious sin and possible act of terrorism? Doesn't he know that's what they want? Why would he do something they don't want him to do? Just because he believes in it? On principle? That's bullshit, he's totally in the wrong game.

But as if that wasn't damaging enough, Jeramiah Wright is back and badder than ever. After an interview on the best somewhat well-known, "Charlie Rose" program on late-night public broadcasting (drinking with Jared has my vote), Wright is in the process of giving a series of speeches that are being televised live, and even pre-empting the President's last National Correspondence dinner, the only time now that the President can make a joke without making his audience cry in an overwhelming wave of regret.

Obama obviously doesn't know how to put a leash on his cronies. Wright's not apologizing for what he said, and he's even making things worse. He's claiming that his offensive remarks can be found in none other than the Bible, what a sick fuck! I don't remember ever reading that God wanted to damn America! I further have no recollection of reading anywhere in the Bible anything about America belonging to a certain secret cult that I know we all kind of sort of miss for keeping things on an even keel...kind of like Vic Mackey...he may do more bad than good...but you can't help but feel safe knowing he's out there. Am I right? Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me! I dare you! That's right, you can't!

Was Bob Dylan lying when he said God was on our side? I don't believe it. Call him a worthless beat nick, but Bob Dylan is not a liar! If God's on our side, why would he want to damn us? It doesn't make sense. I think something needs to be done about Wright's incendiary remarks. Someone needs to tell him that this is the US of A, and we don't take kindly to people telling us when we're being assholes. We accept nothing but pure, undivided devotion from our subjects. This country wasn't created so just anybody could say whatever they want. And we will not sit by and watch as this man trashes our country. I'm calling you out Mr. Obama. You wrangle this guy, or we will be forced to destroy his life by ridiculing everything he says, does and appears to think. We certainly have the media resources for it. We'll sick Nancy Grace on you, bitch. Whaddya think of that?

Well, I've done my standard ignorant, racist rant, and it's probably time to go. Not a lot is happening right now and to tell you the truth, I'm getting a little bored with this whole charade. We both know McCain's going to win, so who cares who he beats? I guess the loser of the general election will be in a decent position to lose again in four years. So, I'm going to say farewell. I may have a hard time speaking for the next few weeks due to other obligations, but if something worth talking about actually happens, rest assured that I will talk about it...eventually. Ciao.

I Want My Money Back...

I am "live blogging" (quotations because I'm watching on the west coast and it's on a time delay. Where the fuck are our live bloggers?) the Democratic debate tonight because it sounds like fun, and gives me an excuse to have poor grammar.

I want to start off by saying that Obama's restraint in respectfully answering the American flag pin question is impressive in itself. I would have lost it ten seconds into my answer, spewing out an angry tirade at the ignorant, superficial bitch who had the nerve to waste mine and everyone else's time by asking it. Maybe we should push him a little further by asking why he writes with his right hand. Is it a slight nod to the right wingers that he's their guy as soon as he's in office? What about his dark suit? Is that a nod to the fact that he will be in the pocket of the dark-skinned coalition once he's elected? Why does he insist on having his name be similar to a terrorist? Is it a nod to the terrorists out there that he will let them take over our country next January?

The two are doing exactly what they've been doing in the press these last couple of weeks. Hillary jumps on everything Obama says, spinning any sort of misspeak he makes that can offend voters, this month, Pennsylvanian voters. Obama talks about the "kind of politics" that people are sick of. I don't know why I'm watching this because nobody is going to read this blog in Washington where it matters. They've already gone to bed.

Someone just asked a reasonable question about Iraq. I'm going to listen...

The two seem to be making similar promises. I'm not sure why they're bothering with this question, unless they want to give Democrats a chance to shit on the current administration. They're really rockin' liberal luvin', talking about bettering our standing in the world, and making real progress towards making us safer.

And now we see the real reason for the question...a segue to Iran. Stephanopoulos, you sneaky bitch.

I'm listening to the candidates talk about protecting Israel right now, and I'm wondering what it is about that little country that we find so lovable? Is it their democratic ways? I'm sure we'd like to think that, but there are other democracies out there that we would give the time of day to. So what is it? Is it that they're ethnic, but not too ethnic? They're basically like us, we have plenty of them in our country, controlling our money and making our movies, exploiting our musicians. Ooh, we're on the economy...

Again, we're hearing the same old thing. Take from the rich, give to the poor. We've heard it before, Hillary. You may remember a young buck by the name of Hood who had a similar tax plan. Remember what happened to him? Me neither. Costner sucked in that. Obama is saying the same thing as Hillary, just in a different, more elitist-type way. I feel so condescended on. I'm going to take a shower...

Charlie's giving Obama shit about Capital Gains taxes. Let it go, Charlie. Everyone stopped listening a long time ago. I think Hillary's found another in here. Time's getting down there, she really needs to strike a blow because not much else is working. She's not the type to surrender, she'll burn down the fucking village just to see it doesn't survive her.

My bad, she's laying off him, just repeating what she said before. I guess I'm just being sexist again. I thought my anti-sexist pills would fix that goddamnit! She is once again trying to show Obama not to be a man of substance by saying that Obama is only looking at taxes, not focusing on investment. Maybe that lack of experience argument that didn't work for the past year will finally ring true to the billions of voters watching that one incredibly vague, veiled attack, causing them to rethink their position on Obama's qualifications and giving them no choice but to vote for her. Maybe Iowa, South Carolina and the other states that voted for Obama will go back and re-vote just to make sure they get it right this time.


Back to commercial. At this point, I have to say the winner is Obama. The fact that Hillary would even allow him on the same stage after it's so obvious that she's going to win the nomination is a victory in itself.

I just got a phone call from Mike Gravel and missed the rest of the debate. So, until next time...

I'll Turn This Thing Right Around!

I know what I said last week, but this is just getting boring, now. And why would we have a long, drawn-out process like a presidential primary if not for entertainment purposes? It's not like the next four months are going to do anything constructive for us, so let's just end this charade. Either that, or Hillary and Barack have to fight to the death in a steel cage match simulcast on CNN and Fox News. We'll have Wolf Blitzer do color with Sean Hannity and Alan "I have absolutely no balls and I like to be treated like a weak spineless little whore by everyone I talk to on air, including my 'partner'" Colmes do the ringside commentary. It will be beautiful, and the winner will have to be the nominee, because the loser will be dead, or at least severely disabled. The money made at the door can be spent on the convention. And you know whoever wins the fight will have no problem taking McCain on. He may seem like a crotchety old man willing to kick the shit out of any Long-Hair dumb enough to wave a "Make Love, Not War" sign in his face, but the guy has one foot in the grave. There's no way he could escape Hillary's full-nelson.

But that probably won't happen. What I predict will happen is that Obama will continue to gain ground on Hillary in Pennsylvania, she will either win or not lose by enough to convince people that she's convinced she will lose. The race will go on into the convention where it will be won by Hillary during an ugly floor fight where both sides end up playing dirty and the eventual winner alienates so many voters, old man winter is actually able to win despite being probably the worst politician to run for president since Walter Mondale promised to raise taxes if elected. The good news is that McCain will probably suffer from multiple heart attacks while in office. It is a very stressful job after all, and he ain't the spring chicken he was while in 'Nam.

But there is a third option that just has to work. Hillary and Obama drops out of the race, and we nominate Gravel. If it's old crotchety people we want, he's our guy. We can watch the two of them debate the cause of the depression, and how our youth is going straight to hell. I'm mean, honestly. How can a decent society exist when men aren't even wearing hats while walking outside? What terrible dangers are we exposing ourselves to by doing this? The last question (usually meant to invoke laughter, if only out of a feeling of necessity) can be whether you prefer Werthers, or soft ice-milk.

So we'll sit and watch two old-timers slug it out like in the good old days. It'll be like "Grumpy Old Men," but less humorous, and with a lot more tears.

Until that happens, we have to go on with this pathetic farce. Hillary is the only one making news these days. I don't even know what Obama has been doing this past week, other than not fucking his campaign up. I wish I could say the same for Hillary. After it was leaked by the Wall Street Journal that Mark Penn had been working with the Colombian government on their free trade agreement with the U.S., Hillary almost did the politically right thing by demoting Penn, but his resignation was acknowledged by the campaign to be purely cosmetic (I have to say that when campaigns are admitting to the superficiality of their moves, you have to wonder why they even bother, are we really that stupid? Think about it, how stupid do we really have to be?) and her troubles go on.

Now, the more jaded of you will look at this as an opportunity to paint her with a brush that she may or may not deserve. You'll say that he's her adviser and how can she take advice from a guy who disagrees with her on this one, oh so important subject that we all cared passionately about before the Pennsylvania primary? Not only that, but there may be some even more cynical assholes out there who are disgusted at the idea that he is just doing business and is not at all invested emotionally in the process, making it possible for him to work both sides of an argument without actually taking a side. After all, who really wants a dispassionate politician who bases his or her decisions on something other than his or her gut feelings. Don't we want someone who's going to base their opinion on how they're feeling at that particular moment? Don't we want them to be able to react within milliseconds, without wasting time on thinking and seeking counsel? By not ridding herself completely of Mark Penn, Hillary is acting like a professional when what we need is a politician to run our country. McCain would have kicked Penn in the crotch, spit on him, called him a queer and walked away, leaving him for dead. Because, when you're that close to the end, you really can't be wasting time with distractions.

It doesn't help that Hillary's husband agrees with Penn on this matter. Now she once again has to be patronized by a bunch of chauvinistic reporters who believe a husband's word should be the last word on any issue:

Hillary: I don't think we should be trading with a country that consistently lies to us about their drug trade, and refuses to work with us to capture smugglers.

Bill: But we're going to honey, now go into the kitchen and bake me some of those great chocolate chip cookies that you do so well! Adda girl.

With all this going on, Obama can sit back, phone in his speeches, and watch Hillary shoot herself in the foot a couple of times a week. If this keeps going on, Hillary may have to acknowledge that she in fact isn't the imminent winner, and that Obama may actually stand a chance in this race.

Well I have to go now. I can see that there's another story about steroids and baseball, so we can all look forward to next week when I talk about how all our favorite baseball players testified to the Senate subcommittee on things nobody gives a shit about (it's a division of the Senate Committee on Veteran's Affairs). Night all.