I'll Turn This Thing Right Around!

I know what I said last week, but this is just getting boring, now. And why would we have a long, drawn-out process like a presidential primary if not for entertainment purposes? It's not like the next four months are going to do anything constructive for us, so let's just end this charade. Either that, or Hillary and Barack have to fight to the death in a steel cage match simulcast on CNN and Fox News. We'll have Wolf Blitzer do color with Sean Hannity and Alan "I have absolutely no balls and I like to be treated like a weak spineless little whore by everyone I talk to on air, including my 'partner'" Colmes do the ringside commentary. It will be beautiful, and the winner will have to be the nominee, because the loser will be dead, or at least severely disabled. The money made at the door can be spent on the convention. And you know whoever wins the fight will have no problem taking McCain on. He may seem like a crotchety old man willing to kick the shit out of any Long-Hair dumb enough to wave a "Make Love, Not War" sign in his face, but the guy has one foot in the grave. There's no way he could escape Hillary's full-nelson.

But that probably won't happen. What I predict will happen is that Obama will continue to gain ground on Hillary in Pennsylvania, she will either win or not lose by enough to convince people that she's convinced she will lose. The race will go on into the convention where it will be won by Hillary during an ugly floor fight where both sides end up playing dirty and the eventual winner alienates so many voters, old man winter is actually able to win despite being probably the worst politician to run for president since Walter Mondale promised to raise taxes if elected. The good news is that McCain will probably suffer from multiple heart attacks while in office. It is a very stressful job after all, and he ain't the spring chicken he was while in 'Nam.

But there is a third option that just has to work. Hillary and Obama drops out of the race, and we nominate Gravel. If it's old crotchety people we want, he's our guy. We can watch the two of them debate the cause of the depression, and how our youth is going straight to hell. I'm mean, honestly. How can a decent society exist when men aren't even wearing hats while walking outside? What terrible dangers are we exposing ourselves to by doing this? The last question (usually meant to invoke laughter, if only out of a feeling of necessity) can be whether you prefer Werthers, or soft ice-milk.

So we'll sit and watch two old-timers slug it out like in the good old days. It'll be like "Grumpy Old Men," but less humorous, and with a lot more tears.

Until that happens, we have to go on with this pathetic farce. Hillary is the only one making news these days. I don't even know what Obama has been doing this past week, other than not fucking his campaign up. I wish I could say the same for Hillary. After it was leaked by the Wall Street Journal that Mark Penn had been working with the Colombian government on their free trade agreement with the U.S., Hillary almost did the politically right thing by demoting Penn, but his resignation was acknowledged by the campaign to be purely cosmetic (I have to say that when campaigns are admitting to the superficiality of their moves, you have to wonder why they even bother, are we really that stupid? Think about it, how stupid do we really have to be?) and her troubles go on.

Now, the more jaded of you will look at this as an opportunity to paint her with a brush that she may or may not deserve. You'll say that he's her adviser and how can she take advice from a guy who disagrees with her on this one, oh so important subject that we all cared passionately about before the Pennsylvania primary? Not only that, but there may be some even more cynical assholes out there who are disgusted at the idea that he is just doing business and is not at all invested emotionally in the process, making it possible for him to work both sides of an argument without actually taking a side. After all, who really wants a dispassionate politician who bases his or her decisions on something other than his or her gut feelings. Don't we want someone who's going to base their opinion on how they're feeling at that particular moment? Don't we want them to be able to react within milliseconds, without wasting time on thinking and seeking counsel? By not ridding herself completely of Mark Penn, Hillary is acting like a professional when what we need is a politician to run our country. McCain would have kicked Penn in the crotch, spit on him, called him a queer and walked away, leaving him for dead. Because, when you're that close to the end, you really can't be wasting time with distractions.

It doesn't help that Hillary's husband agrees with Penn on this matter. Now she once again has to be patronized by a bunch of chauvinistic reporters who believe a husband's word should be the last word on any issue:

Hillary: I don't think we should be trading with a country that consistently lies to us about their drug trade, and refuses to work with us to capture smugglers.

Bill: But we're going to honey, now go into the kitchen and bake me some of those great chocolate chip cookies that you do so well! Adda girl.

With all this going on, Obama can sit back, phone in his speeches, and watch Hillary shoot herself in the foot a couple of times a week. If this keeps going on, Hillary may have to acknowledge that she in fact isn't the imminent winner, and that Obama may actually stand a chance in this race.

Well I have to go now. I can see that there's another story about steroids and baseball, so we can all look forward to next week when I talk about how all our favorite baseball players testified to the Senate subcommittee on things nobody gives a shit about (it's a division of the Senate Committee on Veteran's Affairs). Night all.