Time To Get Retarded, March Madness Style!

We're back to that time of year, the great tournament where people in corporate offices from coast to coast put more pressure on average college students than any normal human being could be expected to handle by betting on their god-given talents in increments as much as $10. Go to ESPN or ESPN2, and there's an 80% chance you'll be watching a college basketball game, or watching a former basketball player talk about who's going to win an upcoming college basketball game. I do realize Barack Obama gave his much anticipated speech on race this morning, but it was pretty obvious to anyone just how phony his bullshit about transcending race and moving on to a higher, more relevant purpose was. I mean, if race should be as insignificant as he says, why is he even talking about it? It's not like anyone else is making a big deal about it, are they? It's a bunch of crap and I fully intend to expose it as that. But that can wait until tomorrow. We have more pressing issues at hand, The Magnet needs to tell you who to bet on.

So I was filling out my bracket earlier when I noticed these little numbers by each of the teams. Perplexed by this unconventional labeling system, I asked my buddy what they mean. It turns out that they make it easy for you by ranking the teams in each quarter of the bracket! You already know who's going to win! How no one else has caught on to this is beyond me. But there you go, just bet on the lower seed. That works until we get to the Final Four.

Now you have to choose, but just use simple logic. You have North Carolina playing Kansas. I think history has proven that North is victorious in everything. Has a nation in the southern hemisphere ever won a war against a northern nation? Never! (Don't stop and think about it. Thinking clouds decisive judgment.)

On the other side, you have UCLA and Memphis. Have you ever been to Los Angeles? It's a sunny paradise full of beautiful skinny, tanned women and beaches. How can you possibly get anything done there? Plus, you know Elvis is up there with God, singing his favorite songs, eating those fried Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches with him. God is not going to let Memphis lose.

So in the finals, we have the Northern Hemisphere v. God. Do we even go here? Memphis in a walk.

So there you have it. I would like to mention quickly two teams who shocked the sporting world and warmed the hearts of America by sneaking into the tournament, and will certainly be blown out in their first games against far superior teams. Kudos and Huzzahs to you, oh Portland State University located in that liberal bastion of booze and strippers. You managed to sober up and drag yourselves out of the strip clubs just long enough to make it to the big time. Enjoy getting your asses kicked. On the other side, Jeers to you, American University. Ten years ago, you rejected a young man on the cusp of breaking through his 2.76 GPA and going on to what would have been great things had he gone to a decent private school. I blame you for the fact that no one is reading this blog, and I hope Tennessee crushes your spirits and puts you in your place; the academic world where nothing matters but the size of your pocket protector. This is a game of men, you don't belong!

But I digress. When I become rich and buy American University just to destroy it, I promise I will be gentle. So there it is my friends. You have all you need to know, and I am sleepy. So I'll see you next time when we will have less important things to discuss, like the future of our nation, economic and socially. Good evening.